Not as Funny as Your Face
by LifeIsJustADreamForTheDead
Summary: Harry is captured by Voldemort, tortured, escapes only to find his magoc growing at an alarming rate. Back at school new things pop up, girls, quidditch, attempted assasination, and all Harry can do for it all is make fun of people's faces.
1. your face

"You see? They will never find their Golden Boy and you will be my personal plaything whenever I so please." Malfoy Senior was smirking at him, enjoying his crumpled form on the cold, stone floor, panting from his recent bout of Cruciatus Curse.

Harry groaned and rolled onto his back. Lucius was waving a newspaper in his face with the headline _'Harry Potter: Dead.'_. It had been like this for the past week. He was so distraught about Sirius' death that he had taken to leaving the Dursley's for extended periods of time, walking. He assumed that on one particular day he had just walked too far away and was nabbed by Death Eaters in the middle of the street. Now he was their pet; their toy. They tortured him day and night, taking turns and usually with a gathering audience.

Harry honestly didn't know how he had lasted as long as he did. Perhaps the Dark Lord kept them from getting even nastier so that he would last longer. Or maybe as soon as they had finished interrogating the Prophecy out of him, Voldemort would finally put his pain to an abrupt end. Either way, Harry hoped against hope for some change in scenery pretty soon.

Lucius threw the newspaper in his face and laughed as Harry feebly batted it away. "At last, you've brought me something to wipe my ass with! Thank you, O Blonde One!" Harry groveled at Lucius' feet, kissing the hem of his robes.

Lucius kicked him in the face, effectively breaking his nose with a wet cracking noise. "Hilarious, Potter," Lucius sneered, "Your comedy never fails to amuse."

"Neither does your face," came Harry's muffled reply as he tried to stem the bleeding from his nose.

Crack! Lucius had kicked Harry in the ribs. Harry cried out through clenched teeth and tried to roll back onto his back to avoid upsetting his broken ribs further. No doubt his each of his ribs had been broken at least once in the past week. He had received basic First Aid to keep him alive and talking, just as Voldemort wanted it; such terrible pain without end.

"Lucius," interrupted a new voice, "The Master says it is my turn."

"Fine," Lucius growled reluctantly, "But you had better make it good. He's getting too healthy looking for the likes of me." He swept out of the room without a backward glance.

"Well, well, lookie here… What's this miserable piece of filth on the floor, eh?"

Harry couldn't help himself. He didn't want to give them the satisfaction of pissing him off or scaring him so he used their taunts against them, "Your face!"

By the end of that particular torture session, Harry had lost consciousness three times and was currently incapable of speaking, let alone stand. Both his legs were broken in several places, as well as his arms, almost all ribs, collar bones and jaw. He was positive that most of his internal organs were ruptured and he was severely concussed. One of the curses used had made him almost chew his own tongue off. He had ended up swallowing so much blood that he had heaved it all up and was thoroughly drenched in his own blood.

Harry stared at the ceiling, barely coherent in his own mind. His wavering gaze settled on the torchlight and he thought he was at Hogwarts again, sitting by the fireplace in Gryffindor Tower with his two best friends. He felt so weak; he was loosing his grip on consciousness and falling into a light slumber by the nice, warm fire.

"Wake up, wretch!" Harry woke up to a harsh slap to the face and had barely opened his eyes before he was forced under the Cruciatus Curse. Caught off guard, he screamed and writhed, clawing at his own skin as the pain overwhelmed him. It seemed like hours before the curse was lifted and he knew he was in the same place; the same torture chamber. He stared around wildly, his view sweeping over the familiar scene on cold stone covered in his own dried blood, as well as many former residents. Voldemort himself was there this time, staring at him with cold, mirthful eyes.

"Harry Potter," the evil snake hissed, "are you now prepared to leave this suffering behind and reveal to me the contents of the Prophecy?"

"-Ell-" Harry tried to speak but his tongue was still swollen and bloody from his latest torture session. "Can' 'eak, foo'!" was Harry's scathing reply, otherwise interpreted as 'Can't speak, fool!'.

"Rookwood," Voldemort breathed, "I believe I informed you that a coherent Potter was a useful Potter, did I not?"

The man that had tortured him cowered before the Dark Lord, "Please forgive me, Master. I was teaching the boy a lesson in respect-"

"Then learn to respect my wished first and foremost. Crucio!"

Harry sat up slowly, his entire body engulfed in pain. Rookwood's screams bounced off the wall of the underground chamber, filling the room with his pain. Harry used this opportunity to inch his way agonizingly to his feet. He muttered an incantation under his breath even as the screams continued to reverberate throughout the room. He was concentrating hard. Willing himself to release his power and feeling the magic pulsate within. This was his opportunity to escape; now that he was finally conscious and not being tortured.

Silence. He was vaguely aware that there was now only the sound of his own muttering as the Cruciatus was finally discontinued. He had to hurry. The wards were bending around him and any moment now he would be ripping through them at a tremendous speed.

"Potter!" Voldemort roared and next thing he knew, Harry was being ripped apart and into inky blackness.

"I think he's waking up!"

"Jeeze, he looks terrible!"

"So does your face," Harry grumbled, not moving or opening his eyes.

"Hey!" Ron sounded indignant.

"Oh, Harry! We thought you would never wake up!" He was then assaulted by Hermione's hug.

Harry gasped in pain and gritted his teeth. Every inch of his body ached. It felt as though he had been run over by a herd of cows, repeatedly.

"Oh, I'm sorry Harry! I didn't mean to hurt you!" Hermione sounded like she was in tears.

Harry cracked an eye open and then the other one. He was in the hospital wing at Hogwarts and he felt like crap. This was good. Well, not the feeling like crap part, anyways. He slowly sat up, subconsciously holding his breath so as not to cry out in pain. He vaguely recalled the last curse that Voldemort had thrown at him in an attempt to stop him from escaping. It was a multiple severing curse that left deep, jagged cuts all over his body. That and apparating through bending anti-apparition wards would have been enough to kill any ordinary person. But Harry Potter was no ordinary wizard; he was the boy-who-lived and living was what he did best.

Harry slipped on his glasses and attempted to stand. Immediately, the world spun and his legs gave out on him. He hated feeling weak. He wanted to walk around and breathe the free air.

"Harry, you can't get up. You've lost too much blood and you're still healing," Hermione fretted.

Ron was supporting Harry and trying to get him back into bed. Meanwhile, Harry was trying to right himself and fend Ron off. "Argh! Release the Harry!" He licked Ron on the cheek and his friend immediately let go with an, "Ew! Gross, Harry!"

"So's your face!" Harry crowed as he stumbled to the door of the hospital wing. He wandlessly transfigured his pajamas into some jeans and a regular, black shirt and proceeded to run a hand through untidy hair and breathe deep. Ron and Hermione didn't find it particularly difficult to catch up with him, as he was still very weak.

"Oh, good! It's a beautiful, sunny day out!" Harry chirped happily, "I vote we play quidditch!"

"But, Harry-" Hermione protested.

"Aw! C'mon, 'Mione! I'll be fine. Besides, you can keep score coz I know how much you love to sit and watch us boys playing dirty-" Harry stopped abruptly, as they had just entered the great hall. "Oh…"

There were multitudes of students sitting down for lunch. "Holy crap, guys! How long was I out?" He demanded.

"We were trying to tell you, Harry. School started last week. You've been in the infirmary for two weeks," Hermione stressed.

"Only two weeks? But I was with Voldemort for, like, one week, wasn't I?" Harry looked confused.

"No, Harry. You were held captive for over a month. It was terrible."

Harry stood there silently, a mixture of emotions crossing his face as he stood there in front of the entire school. Everyone waited for his reaction, wondering if he was going to break down crying or something. In the end, Harry smiled and said, "Not as terrible as your face!" and pranced over to Gryffindor table.


	2. insult

Having turned Malfoy into a clown and proclaiming that his face was funny, Harry had been escorted back to the hospital wing. To have returned so willingly, of course Harry had an ulterior motive. He waited for his friends to head off to their afternoon classes before wandlessly summoning his broom and slipping out through the window.

"Free at last," Harry smiled and closed his eyes as he soared into the clouds above. This was bliss; just him and the perfect, blue sky. Only alone could he face the pain that he would forever carry. This agony that was forced upon his soul was his alone and he simply could not bring himself to stow such a burden so easily upon others; to dump his troubles on his friends and expect them to know how to help him. No, this was all his.

Silent tears streaked across his cheeks as he flew through the air at incredible speeds, oblivious to the dangerous stunts he pulled and near misses that he subconsciously evaded. This was his way of letting it out; a temporary cure to the sickness his mind was plagued by.

It was getting dark when Harry finally succumbed to weariness and settled on the grassy field. In a dreamlike state, he walked back up to the school. He felt somewhat empty now that he had had the opportunity to work through his problems and a deep sense of quiet settled upon him. His mind wandered to the Prophecy, that which he had forbidden himself from thinking of whilst in the hands of the Dark Lord, and he grabbed furiously at his hair. Harry felt so agonizingly helpless; how would he ever defeat Voldemort if he couldn't even hold himself together long enough to evade capture in his own neighbourhood.

Harry took a deep breath to steady himself before entering the castle. He looked around dubiously but nobody was nearby. Assuming that everyone was at dinner already, Harry figured this was his grand opportunity to escape speculation and eat in the kitchens.

"Potter! Where have you been?" demanded none other than Severus Snape. "Of course the famous Harry Potter has had the entire staff searching for his majesty!" the Slytherin Head of House spat furiously.

Harry stopped in his tracks and gave the professor a disdainful look, "Sir."

"What?"

"Your face."

"POTTER!"

Harry found himself escorted to the Great Hall by his favourite Potions professor and the search was called off. Once surrounded by whispering, staring peers, Harry skipped gracefully over to Gryffindor table and plopped himself down next to his friends. "Hi, guys!" Harry crowed, "Group hug!" He promptly grabbed Ron and Hermione around their necks and held onto them until they squirmed to be released.

"Harry! Where were you? We were so worried!" Hermione fretted.

"Can't talk. Eating." Harry proceeded to stuff a large chunk of roast chicken in his mouth and imitated Ron's eating habits with a few added sound effects.

Hermione looked slightly ill but failed to comment.

Of course, Harry's luck had to end sometime and when better than just as things were beginning to look on the upside. "Harry, is it true that you were tortured by you-know-who?" Lavender asked in awe. Everyone fell silent and listened closely for an answer, eager for the latest scoop of gossip first hand.

"Lavender, if someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?" Harry asked thoughtfully before turning back to his dinner.

"But that has nothing to do with what I just asked you," she looked perplexed.

Harry looked at her seriously for a moment, "Think about it really hard and don't talk to me until you have a definite answer with reasons to back it up."

The remainder of dinner was a quiet affair. Harry glanced up at the head table only to find Dumbledore watching him. Harry raised a brow in question and the headmaster nodded at him to stay behind as everyone else headed back up to their dormitories. Once Harry had assured his friends that he would meet them in Gryffindor Tower and the hall was empty save for the headmaster and Snape, Dumbledore approached him.

The headmaster looked at him, speechless for a moment, and asked, "How are you coping, Harry?"

"Just dandy! Got bored, went flying, got yelled at for getting bored and going flying and had some good eating. You know, the usual," Harry said brightly, as though discussing the weather.

Dumbledore's demeanor only became more strained, "My dear boy, I have to ask you to tell me what exactly it was that happened whilst you were… away."

"Aw, c'mon, can't you just guess?" Harry whined, looking put out.

"This is important, Harry," Albus Dumbledore spoke gravely, looking wearied and old, "Did you tell Voldemort the Prophecy? Does he know of the Order?"

Harry looked up sharply. "I told him nothing. Although there is a lot of time unaccounted for, so far as I can recall I did not break under their torture," he said grimly.

Dumbledore watched him intently for a moment, as though trying to discern whether he was being entirely honest, "Thank you, Harry. I would very much like it if you would come and visit me in my office regularly. The password is 'Ice Mice'."

"If you don't mind me asking, what exactly will you be needing me for, professor?" Harry asked cautiously.

Snape sneered at Harry, "The Headmaster has made a simple request, Potter. Surely you can manage to grace him with your almighty presence."

Harry pretended to look surprised, "I didn't see you there, professor! How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?"

"I'm sure you're the one most adept at escaping from cages, Potter, since you managed to worm your way out of one," Snape snarled.

"Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?"

Before Snape could retort, Albus interrupted, "That is enough! Harry, we will discuss this in my office tomorrow. Goodnight."

With that said, the professors deserted the Great Hall and headed to bed, Snape throwing murderous looks in Harry's direction as he went. Harry trooped up to Gryffindor Tower, glancing halfheartedly at various portraits as he went. One in particular caught his eye. It was of a man being held underwater by his children, forever captured in the moment of drowning.

Ron and Hermione were waiting up for him when he stepped through the portrait hole. They quickly broke apart from their timid embrace when he entered. "Harry, what did the headmaster want with you?" Hermione asked, looking flushed.

"Oh, you know, we're having an affair so he just figured it was the perfect opportunity for some loving since we've been apart for so long," Harry said halfheartedly.

"Really, Harry!" Hermione scolded, "You shouldn't go around saying such things. I've seen teachers fired for less."

"Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer," Harry shrugged.

"We just miss you, mate," Ron tried to reason, "won't you come and talk to us?" Ron patted the seat next to him and looked hopeful.

"Psshht! Fine, you suck up," Harry muttered, winking and sitting in between his two best friends.

There was a long silence. "Err – well, I guess I can't really ask you how your holidays went so… how's Hedwig doing?" Ron asked, thinking he had hit upon a sudden stroke of genius to broach a subject that wasn't potentially painful.

Harry saw Hermione shake her head at his best mate from the corner of his eye. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me?" he asked, anticipating another disappointment.

Hermione looked torn, "Oh, Harry! Hedwig didn't make it. Your relatives… well… they didn't exactly like animals and they didn't feed her…" she trailed off helplessly.

Harry remained silent. The only companion that had ever endured the Dursleys with him was now gone forever.

"We're really sorry, mate. I know she was very special to you," Ron attempted to appease the dilemma he had gotten them into.

"You sure Dudley didn't eat her? He's a bit like that," Harry attempted some light humour but it was lost on his friends.

Harry yawned, "Whoa! Look at the time! Goodnight!" He quickly scampered up to his dormitory. As he went, he heard Ron try to cover up his "Awkward!" statement with a cough.

The next morning dawned clear and bright and Harry went to his first Charms lesson of the year. He sat absently blowing at the feather on his quill as Flitwick explained to the how they were going to make their teacup tap dance.

"Harry," Hermione whispered, "You need to pay attention. We're practicing the spell now."

Harry sighed and whipped out his wand. He aimed it at the floral teacup and performed the spell only to have the entire table go flying into the air before coming crashing to the ground as through sucked down by a magnetic force.

A few people screamed and Professor Flitwick fell off his stack of tomes. Harry stared at the place where his desk had been, stunned. "What the-"

"Mr Potter, what on earth just happened?" professor Flitwick had recovered and was looking at the destroyed furniture, clearly startled.

"I – I dunno," Harry looked puzzled, "Is that normal?"

"Goodness, no! Why don't you try again but do make sure you follow exactly what I showed you," Flitwick demonstrated how it was done once again and Harry tried once more, this time on Ron's teacup. This time the table just seemed to crumble to the ground; standing there one minute and in a pile of splinters the next.

"How very odd!" Flitwick commented, "I would suggest that you have your wand checked out, Mr Potter."

As the trio made their way up to DADA, Harry brushed off the episode in Charms and asked, "Hey, who is our Defence teacher this year?"

"Oh, we have professor Lupin, Harry! I should have told you earlier," Hermione said happily, " You didn't see him at dinner because he was recovering from the full moon but he is back this year because Dumbledore simply could not find anyone else willing to take the job."

"Cool, at least we'll learn something," Harry said, not feeling particularly enthusiastic about encountering his parent's best friend after what had happened with Sirius the year before. Being reminded of Sirius made him feel rather deflated and he found himself not looking forward to the fast approaching lesson.

"Class, today we will be learning about defensive magic. The spell I am going to show you is only a minor version. It can be upgraded with a few simple steps as you become more powerful. An extremely powerful witch or wizard can actually cause a worldwide earthquake but that has only ever been recorded to have happened once in history.

Lupin banished the tables and chairs to the side of the room and demonstrated the defensive spell, creating a small shockwave that pushed everything away from the front of him and knocking over a chair.

One at a time, each student was asked to come out the front and test this spell out on the chair. Hermione performed hers perfectly, Ron missed the chair and knocked a few books off a shelf and Neville made the chair wobble a bit. Others either got it or had the same effect as Neville.

"Ok, Harry. Remember, the aim is to focus all your power to push everything away from you," Lupin stepped back to watch.

Harry stared at the chair whilst he tried to concentrate on his power; all of his magic together in one mass. And then he visualized pushing the magic out ahead of him and he performed the wand movement and incantation. Not only was the chair thrown directly back and smashed through the window but Harry was also thrown back in the opposite direction and slammed through the door before landing in a crumpled heap in the middle of the hallway outside.


End file.
